2009 Hot Air Balloon Glow

This past weekend was our annual hot air balloon rally here in Amarillo. I knew I'd have a busy weekend of chores so I wasn't sure I could make much of the events. Thankfully, I did make it to the very first event. The Friday night Glow. For those of you who've never been to a hot air balloon rally, the glow is when they inflate and light up all the balloons. People are invited to wander around and walk right up to the balloons. They never lift off so it's an amazing experience. Here are some of the many photos I took at the glow.

So....um....yeah....

I've been a very bad blogger lately. If fact, I don't even deserve to be called a blogger. I haven't posted a thing in months. Shame on me. I've failed my readers. All 5 of you. :-)

I've been busy. Beyond busy in fact. And I'll tell you all about what's been keeping me away from my dear sweet blog in another post. This post has a different purpose.

It's all about the shameless plug today.


You see that there? That's a screen shot of my photography website. Yup. My very own photography website. Finally, I got my site done. Well, started. I still need to add a lot of pictures. I'm waiting until I can get them all watermarked first. But the basic site is up.

And you should go there. And look at it.

And never tell me if you see anything wrong. My heart couldn't take it.

Just kidding. If you see a typo or something please tell me. I can't proof my own stuff to save my life. That's why I need people like you around.

10 things I hate about arthritis (today)

1. That my meds make it super hard to heal after getting hurt or sick.

2. That I have to give myself a shot once a week if I want to be able to function.

3. That I never sleep well because I never stop hurting.

4. That being over tired or in pain can make me a bitch to the people or animals in my life.

5. That sometimes after riding, I hurt so bad that I wonder why I even ride.

6. That my meds often make it hard for me to focus.

7. That doing things can take me twice as long because I have to be super careful to not hurt myself.

8. That a simple act of clumsiness can leave me hurting for days.

9. That I have to count out my weekly pills each weekend to keep from forgetting my meds.

10. That pain keeps me from enjoying things that I used to enjoy. And that it can make me afraid of trying new things too.

Did you ever?

Did you ever have the feeling that you're faking everything in your life?

Did you ever have the feeling that it's only a matter of time before everyone figures out that you don't know what you're doing?

Did you ever feel like you're nothing but a big phony?

Did you?

Cause I'm having one of those days.

I think I'll just hide in my office until it's time to go home.

Because....

Because today has been dull and I haven't blogged in a long while I hit Etsy.com to come up with some random crazy stuff to share with you all.

It's been a while since I've shared some random crazy with you hasn't it?

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me?

Awesome.

And away we go.....

First on the crazy train....Mime Mallow. A mime marshmallow toy. Cause you never know when you'll need a marshmallow mime during the course of your day.

Next stop....a Large Nubby Zippie. This one made it on my list because of the line "Ohh la la! Nubbed for your pleasure!" in the description. Not sure what I'm supposed to do with this thing. Or why it's nubbed for my pleasure.

Next, for the aspiring crazy cat lady in us all.....Muffins The Cat Hat. Cause nothing makes you seem more scary crazy than wearing a hat that makes you look like you're a real cat person.

And also in the strange hat category.....I Am A Pony Mohawk Hat. Cause....well I don't know why. I'm lost for words.

And last but not least....a mini felt catus who's, umm, happy to see you.

My pal Arthur

***I originally wrote this in the hopes of getting it published in an Arthritis related publication. But it's become clear that's not going to happen, so instead I'm sharing it as a blog. Hopefully someone with arthritis (or another chronic illness) will read it and be helped by it. That's my goal at least.***

When I was 10 years old I came down with what my parents first thought was a simple case of pink eye. After seeing the eye doctor, it turned out they were mistaken. What I had was Iritis – an inflammation of the iris that made my eyes red, tender and very light sensitive. This was to be the very first symptom of arthritis for me. Thanks to my eye doctor making this slightly obscure diagnosis (only about 25% to 30% of people with arthritis will get Iritis) I was sent to a rheumatologist who diagnosed me with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS). For those of you that don’t know, AS is more common in adolescents and young adult males, and is usually diagnosed between ages 13-35. It is also most commonly seen in Native Americans. So this was an uncommon diagnosis for a girl with Irish and German roots. As I grew, it turned out that this would become a theme for my health issues. Uncommon. That would be me as I started my journey with arthritis, or as I came to call it my pal Arthur.

For the next year and a half I was medication and pain free. I had occasional flare ups of Iritis, but those too began to fade as I grew older. At age 12, AS arrived in my life with a vengeance! I was attending a week long horse camp when, just a couple of days into camp, my foot swelled up. The counselors thought I’d been bitten by a spider so my mother was called. After a day of treatment and zero improvement, I went home. My massive foot was so tender I couldn’t walk. Thankfully my mom called my rheumy and got me in that same day. My AS was flaring for the first time. And I hurt. I hurt worse than I ever knew I could. I hurt in places I didn’t know I could hurt. I did get to go back to the final day of camp, not to ride, but to watch my friends. When asked why I was not riding I stuck with the spider bite story. I had found out quickly that it was easier to make something up than to explain having arthritis to my peers. So instead of riding my camp horse in the final program I got to start on the first of many different medications – Naprosyn. Thankfully it worked quickly and it worked well.

So I stayed on Naprosyn it for the next few years. It kept my symptoms under control and helped me stay active. I was able to join 4H and, at 13, buy my first horse. I started to go to horse shows on the weekends and live a normal life as a horse loving teen. I joined the yearbook staff at high school and between school, yearbook and horses, I was a busy kid. It was no surprise I was tired a lot. I went 90 to nothing every day. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew I was much more tired than I should have been. A two day horse show would wear me out for a week or more. I had to take a break after cleaning just one stall. Lifting my horse’s saddle on made my heart pound. Something was wrong. But I ignored it. Saying I’m as stubborn as a mule doesn’t even come close. I’m as stubborn as about a dozen mules. Finally, my wonderful mom made me go to the doctor.

The next day she called me at school in the yearbook office. I was very sick. I needed to be admitted to the hospital. True to form, I refused the ride and drove myself home…and walked into the hospital under my own power. The doctor told me that my medication had eaten a tiny hole in my stomach. At that time, doctor’s weren’t really aware how hard Naprosyn was on your stomach. I had a bleeding ulcer and severe anemia. I’d most likely been bleeding just a tiny bit for months, maybe even a year. My red cell count was not even close to what it should have been for a normal 16 year old. I remember the doctors being surprised that I was still up and walking around. I didn’t give a damn. I was just mad that I was missing a horse show.

I know that I was an unpleasant patient. I was mad at the whole world. I was rude to everyone who came into my hospital room during the two days it took to get my count up to where it should have been. But everyone was still very kind and understanding. So I was released and went home. I was now armed with a mess of new medications including an iron supplement and a medication to help protect my stomach. To this day, I know that my stomach never totally healed from this. I still have stomach problems and will probably battle anemia my whole life.

Of course I wasn’t thinking of stomach problems when I came home. I was overwhelmingly sad that not a one of my friends had come to see me. Or sent a card. Or anything at all. I had dropped off the face of the earth for several days, missing school and other things and no one seemed to care. This was the point where I started to lose trust in people. I put a wall up around me to keep all people out. I’d gotten a taste of how hard being sick could be and how much it hurt when people didn’t care. From then on, I only let a select few people into my life. I bore being sick alone. I even kept it from my parents and family. I know that even now many of my extended family members don’t know I’m sick. I became very good at pretending everything was fine. But I also got depressed.

Finally, I was paroled from the nightmare that had been high school and was off to college. I walked away from almost everyone I’d known in high school and joyfully started a new part of my life at college. I could start over here. No one would know me; I could be whomever I wanted. So I started to reinvent myself. I became more outgoing. I joined a club. I joined the intercollegiate equestrian team. I made friends. I went to parties. For the first time in my life, I was not the nerdy, strange girl. I was popular. And I loved it. But I still was pretending things were fine. And I was still keeping people on the outside, afraid to let them know my secret. I was able to hide my arthritis for the first two, three years of school. Then my meds stopped working. Just stopped. And I hurt so bad I could barely walk from class to class. This I could not hide. Not from my closest friends – one of which is now as close as a sister.

College was great for the most part. I made friends that I’ll have for the rest of my life. And I also learned that even in college, saying you have arthritis guarantees that some people will think you’re lying. So I kept making up stories to explain things. Horse related injuries. Sleeping wrong. Not sleeping enough. I was creative. And almost everyone thought I was a hypochondriac. And that hurt. Looking back, I know that the fault was all my own. I just needed to trust them, but I’d forgotten how to trust. I needed to share that I was really sick, not faking it. But that lesson would take me a while longer to learn.

By the time I graduated I was on new medication – Celebrex – and back to feeling close to normal. Celebrex and medications like it have gotten bad press the last few years for causing increased risk of heart attack and stroke in patients taking the medications for long periods of time. Despite what people say, Celebrex is a wonderful medication. It saved me then. I hurt so much and was so depressed that I prayed to God to take me. To end my life and my suffering. To let me shed this broken body and come home to heaven. But He told me no. And gave me Celebrex instead. And He led me to my first job after college, at a medical facility.

Working there was just what I needed. I was able to be around medical people who understood being sick. For the first time in my life I was able to come clean about being sick. And it was so freeing. I was able to take charge of my arthritis rather than let it control my life. I was even able to handle the added diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) very well. It was just one more thing to deal with and I could do that. I also found out that I could trust people with my arthritis. I’ve discovered that, with proper explanation, people can understand what I go through daily. And they don’t walk away from me. Or think I’m faking the pain. I’ve found that I can lean on my friends and immediate family when I need to and that it doesn’t make me weak, but in fact, helps me to stay strong.

I’ve had arthritis for over half my life. I can only vaguely remember what it was like to live a life without pain. I hurt every single day. I will continue to hurt for the rest of my time on this earth. Some days are better than others. Thankfully, the bad days are few are far between. I spent most of my life since my diagnosis angry with God. I didn’t understand how He could put something like this on me. I was young and I had my whole life before me. I’d planned to become a horse trainer, something that I was good at and loved very much. I was going to have my own barn someday and become someone special in the horse world. Arthritis has crushed that dream. And coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to cope with. I’ve tried to manage like I’ve always done, push through the pain and the limits with pure force of will. But I can’t. No matter how I’d like to pretend, in reality, my body won’t allow me to live the life with horses that I want so desperately.

For the last few years I’ve been letting go of this dream and trying to find a new one that I’m actually capable of reaching. I’ve also been trying to let go of my anger at God and to let Him take the lead in my life. Finally, thanks to the constant understanding of some great, Christian friends, I can say that I’ve been able to start accomplishing this step. There are still moments where the anger pops back up, but I say a prayer and ask God to take that anger away from me and He does. I’ve let him take control and things are falling into place. I’m happier now. And I’m able to handle the bumps in the road that come with arthritis, and with life. I’m not alone in this. God walks beside me every step of the way. And in addition to having Him beside me, I have my friends and family too.

To everyone reading this, I’m not writing this to gain pity from the world. That’s the last thing in the world I want. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t want anyone else to either. I write this to help you understand. Arthritis does so much more to a person than damage your joints and bones. It can break your spirit and your heart too. I hope that my words can help people to see that.

To the people who don’t have arthritis, I would say to you this: be understanding. Arthritis is a very hard burden to bear, especially when we are young and have our whole life ahead of us. It has very little outward signs in some people, so it is hard to see that someone is genuinely sick. Those of us with this disease feel very powerless and out of control and angry. If someone you know has it, the best thing you can do for them is be there for them, in spirit, with a gentle hug, with kind words. Help when you can see they need it.

To those of you with arthritis, I don’t have any wise words of amazing insight to share. I don’t have any answers to the despairing questions that make you angry. Buy I can share a little advice. Be strong. And fight. Don’t let this disease control you and your life. You need to stay in control. See your doctor, take your meds. Look at alternative therapies too, such as vitamins, that might help you. Everyone is different, so keep trying different things. Stay active. The more you move the better you’ll feel. Find something that you enjoy and do it. Go for walks. Ride a horse. Swim. Don’t be too proud to take pain medication when you hurt. Educate yourself about your type of arthritis. Learn what causes you to flare. This will help you to know when one is on the horizon. And most of all, know that you’re not alone. Not only are there other people in this world sharing this illness with you, God is there too. So pray. The power of prayer is a wonderful thing. He’ll help you through this. You just have to let Him.

I’m praying for you all. And for a cure. So that hopefully, in the future my pal Arthur will be a dim memory.

Honest...I swear!

Thanks to long time friend (since age 4, wow!) and fellow blogger Amy for passing this award along to me.


"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Here goes my 10:

1) I am totally obsessed with a TV show that didn't even last a full season. So much so that I will bust out with random lines from the show almost daily.

2) I get stir crazy if I'm stuck inside by bad weather or heat or even illness. I've gone outside for a walk in a blizzard before and I was back out taking care of my horses a day after having hand surgery.

3) I hate when my socks get dirty. But I'll walk around barefoot and get my feet filthy. That, for some reason doesn't bother me.

4) I am very uncomfortable when I'm dressed up and in a fancy setting. I'm only ever 100% me when I'm in comfy cloths and slightly dirty, usually with a good dose of horse hair on me. :-)

5) Now that I've moved out into the country, I can say with total certainty that I'll never live in a town again.

6) I hate to grocery shop. My mom gets my groceries for me in exchange for taking care of my dad's horse.

7) I want to get an old Airstream trailer and travel cross country for a year and just see all of America.

8) I would move to Ireland in a heart beat if I thought I could safely (and affordably) ship my horses over there.

9) If I could be anything, I'd be a writer.

10) And finally (drum roll please), I can't walk past a bookstore. And I can't walk out of a bookstore without a new book. (And on a side note, one of my favorite books is The Jungle by Upton Sinclare. I love it so much that I feel a need to buy a copy every time I see one. Thankfully I control that compulsion because I really don't need a dozen copies of the same book.)

Now I know I'm supposed to pass this on to 10 people. But I don't have 10 friends who blog. So I'm bucking the system and forgoing that requirement. I know, I'm nothing but trouble. :-)